I'm finding difficulty putting words to my experiences today. My days at the school are numbered, and the girls have taken to asking me if I'm leaving to the USA every time I get up to walk somewhere. Upon which I usually tear up. I'm dreading tomorrow because I know I'm going to cry when I say goodbye. Why am I such a crybaby? The Buddha told his followers not to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Really? I think it's okay to be sad. Better to let it come and go than to push it away.
What really set me off was a conversation I had with one of the girls from the orphanage, Prasanna. She is a frequent visitor to my room, perhaps to sit in the AC. Mostly she likes me to put the computer on Google for her so she can look up photos of Kollywood actors. We had been talking about our futures, money, marriage, etc via Google Translate (since she doesn't know English). She is going off to college soon and wants to be a flight attendant, so I told her to visit me since she'll get cheap airfare.
Prasanna is the first girl from the hostel I have felt close enough to to ask about her parents. "Mommy, daddy dead." Her wide eyes remained dry but her voice shook. She's become a professional at holding in tears. A 15 year old girl whose heart has been hardened by life's many misfortunes, and a 21 year old whose soft heart has yet to experience any sort of tragedy. I didn't know what to say, I had no consolation. I was in more shock solely at the unfairness of the world. Why did I get dealt such good cards? Why is my luck so good and hers so bad? Yes, we are responsible for our own lives. But we aren't responsible for fate. I didn't do anything in this life to deserve being born into the family I was, and neither did Prasanna. The conversation I had with her, despite broken English through Google translate, completely reinforced my perspective on reincarnation.
Our relationship is interesting, at times I can see in her facial expressions, her tone, and her behavior that she is jealous of my good fortune in almost a spiteful and vengeful manner. But today was the first time I met a softer side of her, perhaps a well-rehearsed side, or perhaps genuine. She typed into Google Translate, "Don't cry. You very nice girl. You very good person. You like sister. Miss very much." And then in consolation she showed me pictures of her favorite Kollywood actor to try and make me stop crying.
So after she left my room I talked it over with Dani on Skype. The only thing I can do, and the greatest thing I can do, is be incredibly grateful to have had this whole experience. We have infinite capacity for gratitude, but practicing gratitude is more than just saying it to yourself. You need to share it with others in the form of compassion. Whether your perception of time is linear or cyclical, by doing so, perhaps we can control our fate. Maybe not in this life, but certainly in the next.
What really set me off was a conversation I had with one of the girls from the orphanage, Prasanna. She is a frequent visitor to my room, perhaps to sit in the AC. Mostly she likes me to put the computer on Google for her so she can look up photos of Kollywood actors. We had been talking about our futures, money, marriage, etc via Google Translate (since she doesn't know English). She is going off to college soon and wants to be a flight attendant, so I told her to visit me since she'll get cheap airfare.
Prasanna is the first girl from the hostel I have felt close enough to to ask about her parents. "Mommy, daddy dead." Her wide eyes remained dry but her voice shook. She's become a professional at holding in tears. A 15 year old girl whose heart has been hardened by life's many misfortunes, and a 21 year old whose soft heart has yet to experience any sort of tragedy. I didn't know what to say, I had no consolation. I was in more shock solely at the unfairness of the world. Why did I get dealt such good cards? Why is my luck so good and hers so bad? Yes, we are responsible for our own lives. But we aren't responsible for fate. I didn't do anything in this life to deserve being born into the family I was, and neither did Prasanna. The conversation I had with her, despite broken English through Google translate, completely reinforced my perspective on reincarnation.
Our relationship is interesting, at times I can see in her facial expressions, her tone, and her behavior that she is jealous of my good fortune in almost a spiteful and vengeful manner. But today was the first time I met a softer side of her, perhaps a well-rehearsed side, or perhaps genuine. She typed into Google Translate, "Don't cry. You very nice girl. You very good person. You like sister. Miss very much." And then in consolation she showed me pictures of her favorite Kollywood actor to try and make me stop crying.
So after she left my room I talked it over with Dani on Skype. The only thing I can do, and the greatest thing I can do, is be incredibly grateful to have had this whole experience. We have infinite capacity for gratitude, but practicing gratitude is more than just saying it to yourself. You need to share it with others in the form of compassion. Whether your perception of time is linear or cyclical, by doing so, perhaps we can control our fate. Maybe not in this life, but certainly in the next.
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