Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

Aqueous Transmission - Incubus

I'm floating down a river, oars freed from their holes long ago

Lying face-up on the floor of my vessel

I marvel at the stars and feel my heart overflow

Further down the river, further down the river

Further down the river, further down the river

Two weeks without my lover, I'm in this boat alone

Floating down a river named emotion

Will I make it back to shore, or drift into the unknown?

Leaving the school was tragic to say the least. Two of my friends from the orphanage, Dhivya and Kalai, helped me pack all night since I was an emotional wreck. We spent the next few hours sorting through what stuff I needed for the next three weeks and what stuff had to stay in Chennai. Her and Kalai sniffed and oggled at all of my beauty products and tried on just about every single one. They were shocked at my tampons, I don't think they're very common in India. Especially the little OB ones. Dhivya gave me a ring, so I decided to whip up a friendship bracelet for her. She made one for me, too. Both of our tears went into making the bracelets, it was so bittersweet. I tried to explain to her, despite the language barrier, that even though I'll probably never meet her again and our friendship was short, we should be grateful that our paths crossed. Like my momma always says, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Here's Dhivya trying to walk around with my monstrous backpack on once I had it filled with crap for the next three weeks. She's got the bracelet on.

Shillong is such a pleasant place. I daresay that I enjoy this city more than I liked Chennai. My bias may be because I have family here, and I was introduced to the town by my dad and Brandon. It's an interesting mix of local tribes, Southeast Asian, and Western cultures. The Northeast is quite unique compared to the rest of India. They actually aren't very nationalistic, and the people don't really associate with being Indian. They do not celebrate India's independence day, and the local governments have a "ban" where they close off roads and shops so people don't celebrate. The predominant religion in this area is Christianity, and second is tribal religion. I acquired a book of Khasi legends from a professor at the local university. The weather is quite nice, between 70-80 degrees Farenheit, and rains on and off throughout the day and night. Mosquitoes aren't half as bad as they were in Chennai. The people speak mostly Khasi, English, and Hindi. It's been good practice for my Hindi.

My funkle Urdy took us tobeautiful  Cherrapunjee a few days ago. Waterfalls at Sohra (Cherrapunjee), several hours outside of Shillong

I'm going through cycles of elation and depression again, and I know it's from my life's imbalance. My digestion is always askew for one reason or another, and my eating habits are unlike any way they would be at home. I'm struggling to live by this mantra: Do not seek satisfaction in external sources. True happiness can only come from within. And this is true for every aspect of life. For me, it's food. Intoxicants. And especially people. I'm well aware that nobody can save me from this mental imbalance but me.

Blergh. My writing has turned to shit pretty quickly. Perhaps all of this emotion is because I'm hungover from drinking a few too many rounds with the King of Tripura last night at his castle. Yeah. No biggie. A lot's been going on that I haven't written about, but my brain is too dead now. Time for some Malarone dreams.

Heavy Stuff, Karma, and Realizations

I'm finding difficulty putting words to my experiences today. My days at the school are numbered, and the girls have taken to asking me if I'm leaving to the USA every time I get up to walk somewhere. Upon which I usually tear up. I'm dreading tomorrow because I know I'm going to cry when I say goodbye. Why am I such a crybaby? The Buddha told his followers not to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Really? I think it's okay to be sad. Better to let it come and go than to push it away.

What really set me off was a conversation I had with one of the girls from the orphanage, Prasanna. She is a frequent visitor to my room, perhaps to sit in the AC. Mostly she likes me to put the computer on Google for her so she can look up photos of Kollywood actors. We had been talking about our futures, money, marriage, etc via Google Translate (since she doesn't know English). She is going off to college soon and wants to be a flight attendant, so I told her to visit me since she'll get cheap airfare.

Prasanna is the first girl from the hostel I have felt close enough to to ask about her parents. "Mommy, daddy dead." Her wide eyes remained dry but her voice shook. She's become a professional at holding in tears. A 15 year old girl whose heart has been hardened by life's many misfortunes, and a 21 year old whose soft heart has yet to experience any sort of tragedy. I didn't know what to say, I had no consolation. I was in more shock solely at the unfairness of the world. Why did I get dealt such good cards? Why is my luck so good and hers so bad? Yes, we are responsible for our own lives. But we aren't responsible for fate. I didn't do anything in this life to deserve being born into the family I was, and neither did Prasanna. The conversation I had with her, despite broken English through Google translate, completely reinforced my perspective on reincarnation.

Our relationship is interesting, at times I can see in her facial expressions, her tone, and her behavior that she is jealous of my good fortune in almost a spiteful and vengeful manner. But today was the first time I met a softer side of her, perhaps a well-rehearsed side, or perhaps genuine. She typed into Google Translate, "Don't cry. You very nice girl. You very good person. You like sister. Miss very much." And then in consolation she showed me pictures of her favorite Kollywood actor to try and make me stop crying.

So after she left my room I talked it over with Dani on Skype. The only thing I can do, and the greatest thing I can do, is be incredibly grateful to have had this whole experience. We have infinite capacity for gratitude, but practicing gratitude is more than just saying it to yourself. You need to share it with others in the form of compassion. Whether your perception of time is linear or cyclical, by doing so, perhaps we can control our fate. Maybe not in this life, but certainly in the next.

I'm Diggin' These Positive Vibes

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan

So, as usual, my plans for this weekend have changed and I find myself sitting in a beautiful and immaculate room at Sri Aurobindo's Park Guest House. Yes, it's on the beach front. And yes, it has AC. It was either this or a non-AC and non-Seaview. Outside my room there is a "Positive Vibrations Garden." I walked the path and looked at all the plants, smelled the flowers, and followed a big lizard around for some time. They had quotes posted all around and statues of various deities.

Leave outside: Footwear, cellphone, speech, ego
Come inside with: Bare feet, quiet mind, silent heart, true Self

Nothing profound has happened today, not that I'm expecting anything at all. Maybe when I look back on today I will realize that today was rather profound but at the moment I just feel in a peaceful calm and quiet relaxation. I did, however, get to see a dead dog on the side of the highway that had been ripped in half by whatever vehicle hit it, and there were birds picking at the fresh carcass. That was a nice start to my day. So, I hopped a bus to Pondy bright and early this morning in hopes that the ashram would accept me as a guest because they don't take reservations. 

Back seat baby window breeze!

I visited the ashram and meditated in front of the samadhi, the funerary monument for Sri Aurobindo and The Mother. I didn't know much about the ashram before my visit today, and after walking around I stopped into the bookshop which had all of Sri Aurobindo's publications. I bought a small pamphlet on the ashram and one of Sri Aurobindo's books on his philosophy of yoga. It is my intention to read some of it tomorrow in the Garden of Positive Vibrations and go back for group meditation in the evening. I really like this place, it's pretty laid back. Even the philosophy is laid back. I'll write more about it tomorrow when I've had time to study it.

An adorable little French cafe near my Guest House where I had lunch. It was the first meal I've had in India that was only okay. It was healthy though and loaded with spinach. I was tempted to order a salad, but I've learned my lesson once. Salads in India are NOT the kind of salads we have in the West. An onion salad is literally just sliced onions on a plate.

Teehee I'm going to miss the derpy advertisements so much.

Egoic Mind

My dad asked an excellent question in response to my collective consciousness post and I'd like to clarify:


So do you find the collective egoic mind functioning in India or more specifically in the government school?

Eckhart Tolle argues, and which I entirely agree, "You are not your mind."  There is the mind which composes the ego, our rambling and wandering thoughts that can be amusing at times but also poisonous. It is responsible for some of our emotions and everything that the mind creates such as the past and future. Beneath the mind lies our true and pure consciousness. "Most humans are still in the grip of the egoic mode of consciousness: identified with their mind and run by their mind. If they do not free themselves from their mind in time, they will be destroyed by it." So we're basically all slaves to it, apart from a select few enlightened individuals. One of them being Jesus, another being Buddha. The Power of Now teaches you to free yourself from the egoic mind, and to truly find peace and in every moment. Free from the future, free from the past, and to simply just be.

Om Rim Shrim Lakshmibhyo Namaha

Being forced to go to Lakshmi prayer today.

Nobody has ever forced me to do anything God-related in my life. I don’t like this feeling. It makes me feel negative towards going, when I probably would have gone on my own had the warden invited me last night. But instead, she stormed into our room and turned on the lights yelling, “HELLO HELLO LAKSHMI PRAYER 8:15 HELLO!” So, I’m going so she doesn’t come back into our room because we’re not there. And I’m going to be respectful, curious, and I’m going because I’m in India and it’s a new experience.

But seriously, I’m never doing that to my kids. Spirituality is for self-discovery. It can’t be forced upon you.

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8:48AM Update:

Sometimes we all need a little push though. That was one of the most authentic and heart-opening experiences I’ve had in Chennai, and I’m leaving a week from now. Such a simple and short ceremony brings me so much more joy inside than a day of tourism and shopping. I’m absolutely glad that I went. Sitting in a room bordered by widowed senior citizens and filled with orphans, I found myself swelled with nostalgia. I felt a wave of sadness and then joy that I was there and that they were so welcoming and happy to have me there. I offered my seat to one of the latecoming elders, who rejected my offer and took a seat in the hallway, out of view from the shrine. After songs were sang and chants had been spoken, one of the girls from the orphanage, Sarenya, came around with a tray with fire on it and everyone felt the heat from the flames and then touched their eyes. I did the same. She donned my third eye with a red mark and continued around the room. I like this, I thought. I’m really going to miss this.

Made some high quality Mac & Cheese in my microwave today and brought the leftovers to the girls at the government school. I advertised it as authentic American food.

They hated it.

Collective Consciousness

"Egoic mind has become like a sinking ship. If you dont' get off, you will go down with it. The collective egoic mind is the most dangerously insane and destructive entity ever to inhabit this planet. What do you think will happen on this planet if human consciousness remains unchanged?
Already for most humans, the only respite they find from their own minds is to occasionally revert to a level of consciousness below thought. Everyone does that every night during sleep. But this also happens to some extent through sex, alcohol, and other drugs that suppress excessive mind activity. If it weren't for alcohol, tranquilizers, antidepressants, as well as the illegal drugs, which are all consumed in vast quantities, the insanity of the human mind would become even more glaringly obvious than it is already. I believe that, if deprived of their drugs, a large part of the population would become a danger to themselves and others. These drugs, of course, simply keep you stuck in dysfunction. Their widespread use only delays the breakdown of the old mind structures and the emergence of higher consciousness. While individual users may get some relief from the daily torture inflicted on them by their minds, they are prevented from generating enough conscious presence to rise above thought and so find true liberation.
Falling back to a level of consciousness below mind, which is the pre-thinking level of our distant ancestors and of animals and plants, is not an option for us. There is no way back. If the human race is to survive, it will have to go on to the next stage. Consciousness is evolving throughout the universe in billions of forms. So even if we didn't make it, this wouldn't matter on a cosmic scale. No gain in consciousness is ever lost, so it would simply express itself through some other form. But the very fact that I am speaking here and you are listening or reading this is a clear sign that the new consciousness is gaining a foothold on the planet."
-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now p. 102-103